Motherhood

Missing my mom and being a mom on Mothers Day

I’m a little late to be posting about mothers day, aren’t I? I know, however I wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t a little late sometimes-okay, a lot of the time.

Mothersdayatthecemetary

This year, mothers day meant so much more to me than it ever has and it was a day for celebration and happiness for the first time in my life. For those of you who don’t know, my mother passed away when I was 15 months old, so growing up mothers day was more of a reminder of what I didn’t have as opposed to showing my appreciation and thankfulness for what I do have. The picture above is of my son and I visiting my mothers grave on mothers day. Don’t get me wrong, growing up I was very blessed- I was raised by my great grandmother Elfriede who has always been the most wonderful mother figure I can imagine.

GrandmaElfriedeandKyzer

She is a now 80 year old beautiful, inspirational, smart, sincere, hard working, God fearing and loving woman and I just can’t imagine my life without her. She has truly made me into the woman I am today and I pray to be half the woman she is, I am so thankful for her. I have always shown her appreciation and love on mothers day, but I was always bitter and unhappy deep down because I couldn’t just hug my mom and tell her thank you for everything and “I love you”

I am no longer bitter about the fact that I don’t get to spend mothers day with my mother, because now by the grace of god am a mother to the most precious baby boy named Kyzer. Now that I am a mother I realize that mothers day has always been a day to celebrate and be thankful; I got to spend two years with my mom (9 months in the womb, 15 months here on earth) and even if I don’t remember it, it happened. She carried me in her belly-just as I did Kyzer- she watched my grow inside her womb, she sacrificed her beautiful petite figure so I could have life, she went through every hormone under the sun and I’m sure felt every emotion on both sides of the spectrum, she felt when I moved, kicked, and hiccuped. She loved me, even before she ever held me in her arms. She went though the pain of child birth and welcomed me into the world. I know this, because I have experienced all this with my own son. Before I was pregnant and had my own baby, I did not understand any of this.

5-95 Tori with momma

Above is one of the few photos I have of my mom and I. In the 15 short months her and I spent together on earth, I know she loved me. I know she smiled when I was first placed into her arms, when I first smiled at her, when I started to crawl, when I took my first step, when she held me and looked at me and thought to herself “wow, I created this precious baby, god blessed me with being a mother, how did I get so lucky”. I know all this because my own child has given me that happiness. Before I had my own precious baby, I had never felt a love so great; a responsibility so heavy, a heart so full. Being a mother is truly the greatest feeling on earth. Mothers day is a day to celebrate and be thankful, even if your mom isn’t physically here on earth anymore. To anyone out there that is grieving over the loss of a mother on any day of the year, not just mothers day, I understand what it’s like. It’s indescribable, I felt robbed of many years and memories that I wish I could have shared with my mom. I always miss her, I always think “what if” and I often wonder “why”. One thing is definite though, I trust gods plan; and although I do not understand, I do have faith. To anyone out there without their mom, remember she loves you. Remember that no matter the amount of time you spent together or the memories you hold so dear to your heart, that those days to her were the best days of her life. Remember all the good times you had, and be thankful for all the time you did spend together. Be thankful she carried you in her womb for nine months and brought you into this world; being pregnant isn’t always a walk in the park and take it from a woman who gave child birth with no medication, its freaking painful. But in a mothers eyes, it’s all worth it. Every day I woke up and puked my guts out while pregnant, every time I lost my cool and got mad or started bawling thanks to all the crazy horomones, every stretch mark, every extra pound, and all the pain is so worth it. To all the mothers out there, Happy mothers day, even though today the calender doesn’t say “mothers day”- really, every day is mothers day.

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